Soñadores trepando nubes

jueves, 3 de junio de 2010

This is a moment of sadness, as I have to share the news I hoped I’d never have to share. This a.m. my baby sister Ana (@ as you probably know her) lost her, almost 5 year old, battle against acute lymphocytic leukemia. I can’t even explain how confused / angry I am because even just yesterday her blood counts were climbing to the desired numbers and then during the night, in a couple of hours, she just… deteriorated. Her white blood cells decreased drastically and even with the doctors’ efforts to bring her back, her immune system was too weak to fight and she ended up dying of septic shock At this moment, here at home, all we seek is discretion and space to mourn her death but I deeply felt I had something to do for Ana before allowing myself the space to remember... A year and a half ago, facing chemo treatments, bone marrow biopsies and all kind of other painful tests, still dealing with the death of some of her hospital companions and going through long stays at the hospital, Ana was about ready to give up on her life. Lost in depression and buried in guilt (even if it wasn’t her fault), as she watched with distant eyes our parents’ ugly separation, she quit fighting. There was absolutely nothing anyone could say that would make her change her posture. One January evening, a month before her 14th birthday, I showed up at the hospital after work to spend some time with her and to give her a gift. In a box there was a black iPod packed with songs I had compiled for her. Being a somewhat big fan of Lady Gaga’s of course I uploaded her songs to the IPod, even the ones before Stefani turned Gaga, and believe it or not the first music in that IPod Ana heard was Lady Gaga’s. I’m not going to ever forget my sister’s eyes as she listened to Gaga’s song, I’m not going to forget how she tapped her fingers along with the music, I’m not going to forget the tiny but evident smile she showed and I certainly won’t forget how she held my hand and let out a very honest “I love you Joel”. Lady Gaga saved Ana and somehow made her find a reason to fight… it actually makes me smile as I remember her most recent words based on lady Gaga’s lyrics: “I’m going to be a cancer free bitch, baby”.
Starting that day there was nothing else, absolutely nothing, she wanted to hear. Her IPod was packed with all Lady Gaga’s songs she could find and it was literally Lady Gaga day and night, weak or stronger, treatments/tests or not. Even with family and friends visiting, Lady Gaga was, and I know it as a fact, the outlet to the roller coaster her life was, even to sleep she used to seek comfort in Lady Gaga. Needless to say her perspective changed dramatically since! She found a new will to live, she got room for a smile on her cute little face, and she wanted to beat her cancer for Lady Gaga. She wanted, more than anything, to get better and go to a Gaga’s concert, she was always repeating how she wanted to get healthy to meet Gaga and “hug her and kiss her thank you”. Honestly… against all odds she connected to Lady Gaga’s songs and voice and personality (or whatever reason Ana considered important) in a way that might have just made her last year and almost a half the best one ever since she was diagnosed with ALL at the age of 10. I’m here today writing and I’m finding it quite difficult to put into words all I have to say for my baby sister. Can’t even think straight… it’s been quite a ride and now it actually came to an end when no one was expecting it. Here she was happy to be going home soon to get proper rest before another round of chemo and bragging about wanting me to take her to a Lady Gaga’s concert to thank her “for the strength, for the comfort, for the company mommy monster” provided her “even without knowing”. She wanted to “make sure Lady Gaga knows how important she is to every lil monster and make sure she knows she’s my hero and my angel monster and that” she’ll “love her forever”. It’s so weird that just yesterday I promised her I’d take her to see Gaga. I actually secretly talked to her doctor about it and was about ready to wrap the kid in a plastic bubble and fulfil her dream of meeting the woman she loved with all her heart. Now, all I feel is regret because this is something I could have done before. It was something very important to Ana and to her battle and looking back… I don’t know why I never did it. Knowing how much Lady Gaga meant for Ana, how much she helped Ana overcome her fears, how Gaga turned her cries into smiles of hope and how she was the ONLY one Ana wanted to hear when she was scared I feel I have in my hands, for my Ana, the “mission” of transmitting this message to Lady Gaga who was, without a doubt and without wanting to offend¬/judge my family and friends, the most present and comforting “mama” she got during her stays at the hospital. I can’t do this alone though… I can’t reach Lady Gaga on my own so, what I’m asking you little monsters and Ana’s monster family (how she used to say), is for a last favour to my sister. God knows I didn’t want this to become a public twitter thing… but since I can’t deliver the message to Gaga in person what I’m asking is… tweet with all the conviction (and discretion please), with all the power Ana made me believe “monsters” have. Please, commit into this just one last time for Ana and help me get this letter to Lady Gaga because I truly feel this is what Ana would like me to do. To tell Gaga what she never got the chance to tell her in person. Last notes: Lady Gaga, if we were successful and you are actually reading this… Thank you! To say I feel I’m in debt towards you, is not enough…I cannot even express the amount of gratitude and respect I have for you and even if I’ll have to stop listening to your music for a while, until it becomes less painful… I have nothing but great things to say about you. Also, a big thank you to the little monsters because regardless of her leukemia you too made Ana happy by keeping her company and accepting her as another little monster. Props to all Gaga’s little monsters! You are beyond doubt amazing. Now people, no crying, no sadness because knowing my sister that sure isn’t what she wants. I believe she’s in peace and watching for her friends, family and most definitely, for Lady Gaga. Remember all the good things in your life, be thankful for them, learn with less fortunate events and say all that you have to say, today… + keep paying close attention to Gaga’s advices. Peace and a big thank you in advance,


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