Screw New York!

JUL. 20, 2011 

By RYAN O'CONNELL

Screw New York for making it hard to live anywhere else. People come to the city and get sucked in immediately. They’re always talking about getting away but the second they do, they begin to miss the energy. They sit in their big chain restaurant in their small town, spend three dollars on a cocktail and think about what they’re possibly missing in the city. “I needed this quiet, I needed this yummy iced tea, I needed to drive. Now take me back to the crowded restaurants and urine-soaked subways.”

Screw New York for getting away with murder. For being able to charge obscene amounts for rent, create the pointless job of brokers, and make it impossible to do something like grocery shop. New York is allowed to do things that no other city would have the balls to attempt. Why? Because it’s New York and people will put up with so much bullshit just to experience the everyday life of the city.

Screw New York for being too hot or too cold. For giving us five months of winter, five months of summer and only one month each for fall and spring. Screw New York for making me sweat or freeze, make me buy winter coats and show lots of skin in tank tops.

Screw New York for giving us such wonderful food and then expecting us to be skinny. Thanks for opening a carnival-themed restaurant in the East Village that serves gourmet funnel cake. Let me just eat that and have everyone judge me for 5,000 years.

Screw New York for attracting the most evil gay men in the world! They’re already sort of scary because of their narcissism but the ones who come to New York especially think they’re the best invention since sliced bread (oh, I’m sorry for even mentioning bread. I know you’re not eating that right now). Screw New York for housing the most emotionally unavailable, career-obsessed and attractive people. Here’s a game you can play every day: “How many beautiful people can I see in one day who will make me feel bad about myself?”

Screw New York for turning everyone into functional alcoholics and drug addicts. The city expects too much from us so we turn to our vices to keep up and just deal. No one judges anyone here for taking an Adderall or a Xanax. They get it. Do what you have to do, babe! Can I have some?

Screw New York for tricking everyone into believing its the center of the world. Um, hi. It’s not. Places like San Francisco and Seattle are not populated with stupid rednecks. New York is so far up its own ass and it deludes people into thinking there is nothing else in the world worthwhile. What do you know, I’m happy in Kansas City, Missouri paying three hundred dollars a month. Boo yah!

Screw New York for turning everyone into elitist jerks. Everyone thinks they’re the shit just because they “survive” in the city. It doesn’t help that everyone else in the world is sucking the city’s dick. “Oh my god, you live in New York? So jealous!” Why?! New York doesn’t want you to know that you could live happily somewhere else. It’s the giant secret. It’s like a cult that people join just because they relate to Carrie Bradshaw. I refuse to drink the Kool Aid any longer!

Screw New York for creating moments that are so beautiful, you could almost cry. Screw New York for that perfect spring afternoon or perfect beach day in the summer. It’s what we latch on to and choose to remember. It’s what keeps us renewing our lease.

Screw New York for trapping us all. Screw New York for screwing us and having us ask for some more. “Please screw me again New York. I sort of like it. I’ll do anything to stay here and have brunch with my girlfriends!”

Screw New York for making me miss it even when I write this tirade. I’ll see you, you piece of shit tomorrow. Love you.